But then I started processing my journey towards adoption, and the music has taken on a whole new meaning. It isn't simply the chaos and chemistry of young love, instead it is the decisive moment where you know that life as it has formerly been known is changed forever. This is the passion in this song, this is the rhythm of life's twisting and turning, this is the intrusion of the divine in moments of unexpected perfection. It was a little hand in mine that changed my life.
Michelle has always known. Her heart beats for people that others seem to discard or for those who are left on the margins of society. She has friends who live on street corners and in parks in San Francisco and others who drop by our church on Sunday's to get a free cup of coffee and a donut. Michelle has known she's wanted to adopt, probably before she wanted to be a mother. (Like I've always known I wanted to coach my sons baseball team before I ever wanted to be a father.) Her heart has always had a place for children who need a home.
My journey to this point isn't from a lifetime of hopeful expectation. I never considered adoption or thought it would be something I would be longing for unless there was some mitigating circumstance. As long as I was healthy and my wife and I were capable, my family would be one of natural birth. But the dreams of those we love have a way of becoming the hopes of our own tomorrows. So here is my story about falling in love with the idea of adoption.
Michelle talked about adoption any time we ever mentioned kids, so I knew it was something I would have to honestly address in my life and in the life of our marriage at some point. At first I thought it was just an expression of her generous and caring heart. Then I realized this wasn't a passing idea or simply a momentary sympathy after being in a third-world country; she was serious. I had to really think about this.
In the spring of 2007 I was warming up to the idea of adoption, but had a ton of questions...would I have the same feelings for an adopted child that I would for one of my own, would I be able to coup with the cultural differences, would I be able to deal with the emotional changes when the child wants to understand its life before Michelle and I came into the picture.
Then William Lamb asked if I wanted to go to Guatemala in July to see this ministry. I had only been to Canada as a child and Mexico on my honeymoon, so Guatemala sounded like the moon. But Michelle encouraged me to go have an experience in a third-world country and see what life was like outside the US.
We arrived at Hope of Life for a quick 5 day stay. The first day we were given a tour of all the different ministry opportunities available (a feeding ministries, a clothing sales, an old persons facility for those dying without any family, a medical center for babies found in the jungle, a school and an orphanage). I had never been to an orphanage before and didn't know what to expect. I spoke zero Spanish and had no way to understand the situation these kids were facing.
But then we got there. The kids came running out to us as if Santa Clause showed up with his reindeer. We were mobbed by little boys left and right. We threw them on our shoulders, did bicep curls with them hanging from our forearms, chased them around the playground and anything else that we could think of. Then we were shown the area where the little girls were staying. They had all just finished their chores for the day, cleaning clothes and washing up, and they all, wearing the same donated t-shirt and school girl dresses were so excited to see us. They came running towards us, wanting to be swept up into our arms. I spent probably 30 minutes just catching one after another as they lept off the two foot ledge into my arms as I swung them up into the air before putting them back down on the ground. Then they would run back up onto the ledge and get in line to do it all over again.
After about 30 minutes I was getting really tired; I could barely catch them as they jumped. Finally I just sat down on the concrete and leaned up against the wall of one of the rooms and instantly four little girls jumped on my lap. I started bouncing them on my knees and tickling them as they squirmed and giggled. Soon my legs weren't bouncing anymore, all the energy I had was gone. I took a sip of water, shared some with the little girls around me and said, 'no mas' (no more). I just needed to sit.
Three of the little girls realized that I was out of energy and probably wouldn't be any fun for a while, so they took off to find the next human jungle gym. But one little girl stayed on my lap. She wasn't too tired or sleepy, she just seemed content. We sat there for a minute, I almost forgot where I was and just leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes. Then I heard some singing and felt her grab my hand. She started to trace the lines on my hand as she sang a song to herself in Spanish. She went on singing for a few minutes then simply held my hand and leaned back against my chest and just sat with me. I can't explain that feeling. Any question I ever had about adoption or loving an orphan was done. Gone. I was lost and found at the same time. She placed her hand in mine, sang a song and stole my future. I realized at that moment that love was not something biological or cultural, it was experienced, it was shared, it was given.
At dinner that night I called Michelle who was back in Tennessee. I told her about the great facility and all the ministry opportunities, and then I told her about the little girl who held my hand. I reminisced about every detail, her tracing the lines on my hand, the little song she sang, the way her countenance matched mine and we both just sat and enjoyed the sun over the mountains in Guatemala. Without a flinch or a second thought, I told her I was ready to adopt. And without a flinch or a second thought, she said go for it, do it.
Unfortunately, the situation in Guatemala is not good. Adopting from there is extremely difficult at best, if not impossible. We hoped to wait and see what would happen, but it doesn't look good for anytime in the near future.
We did have the opportunity to go back to Guatemala in the spring of 2008. Marleni was still there and after I showed her a picture of the two of us, she and I were best buds all over again. Michelle fell for her too. We couldn't get enough of her and it hurt to leave. But our hearts were full, not empty; longing not vacant.
That was over a year ago. I haven't seen Marleni since that spring and I don't know when I will see her again. But I will never forget that little hand in mine. It changed my life. I knew I could love. The questions still exist, they always will; but the capacity to love despite hardship and despite doubt has taken firm root in the depths of my being. Love will win; because a little hand was placed in mine and the chaos of my soul erupted into a beautiful dance of joy, causing my heart to understand that it isn't blood that makes family, but choice. I choose to love.
Jason and Michelle, you two are so very special. I am so excited for you and reading your blog just brings tears to my eyes becuase you both are amazing parents (already). Parenthood teaches us so many selfless lessons and i can tell you two are more than ready to step into a new realm of God's love for eachother and for your baby!-Jubilee
ReplyDeleteDang it, Jason. I'm all choked up. Don't do that.
ReplyDeleteThat is seriously beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLove you guys so much! We're so blessed to walk with you guys through this awesome journey of life as parents! I remember the stories of Marleni and how she lite the fire in your eyes just hearing about her. I can't wait to meet your son. Just think... one day, we can watch your son play baseball just like you have come to watch Brayden and Ashton's! So exciting!
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i cannot wait to be baby boy's auntie kate.
the longing in my heart, my soul - is nearly unbearable.
i can't imagine how you're feeling - if i feel THIS strongly.
i adore all three of you, my loves.